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Bash your head against a wall–or honeymoon with a female Iowa writing-program graduate?

July 11, 2014

We’ll always have Paris:

On our honeymoon in Paris, my husband and I were served breakfast every morning by the same short-haired woman. The breakfast came free with our hotel room: croissants, a basket of bread with its little trough of butter, fresh-squeezed orange juice and café au laits.

My husband, Patrick, whom I still thought of as my boyfriend, loved these breakfasts. He ate all of the bread and usually asked for a second coffee, which the short-haired woman provided with glee. I could barely down half a croissant and thought the coffee tasted like soil. This was Paris, and this was my honeymoon, and I was depressed.

***

This was Paris, and we were husband and wife, and every day we had to leave the museums, the falafel stands and the cheese shops so that I, the wife, could return to our hotel room to cry. Once I made my husband take a photo of me lying on the bed with a snot-wet tissue squeezed in my fist, my eyes red as a rabbit’s. “This is what a honeymoon is really like,” I imagined saying to anyone who asked to see the photos.

***

In Paris, we went to the Centre Pompidou. I remember watching Patrick as he rode ahead of me on the museum’s famous escalators. I couldn’t take my eyes off his jeans, which were sagging at his butt. I said: “Your jeans are making me sick. It looks like you’re wearing a diaper.”

Moral: For every high-maintenance gal, there’s a guy who loves doing high maintenance.

h/t: Ann Althouse

Posted by Charlotte Allen

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6 Comments
  1. iow: “waaaaaah i got everything i ever wanted but i’m still not haaaaaaapy”

    what a nightmare

  2. John Leo e-mails: “A very close call, but after much reflection, I’ve decided to go with the
    head-banging.”

  3. Days of Broken Arrows permalink

    The mistake most men make is to say “Well if she was hotttt I’d put up with it, har har har.” Trust me, this routine gets old even if she’s hot…and in some ways it’s even worse because you think if she’s that good-looking and miserable, something must really be warped. Now you know what that British actor (whose name I forget) trolled the DC streets for hookers when he has a model upstairs…

  4. And who says that romance is dead?

  5. Back in our youth, my wife and I had an acquaintance we called “the human menstrual cramp.” This poor woman must be her daughter.

  6. Heidi permalink

    My husband pointed out that you have to give this woman at least a little credit–she didn’t just ditch the marriage, but recognized that she had a problem and dealt with it. So, yeah, total raving neurotic, but honestly she could have behaved a lot worse.

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