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Must be the mayonnaise in that white BBQ sauce: Alabama now not only has America’s toughest abortion law but America’s hulkiest “Handmaid” protesters

May 16, 2019
  Image result for alabama handmaids

Photo: USA Today

I thought the whole point of The Handmaid’s Tale was that fertile females in red robes were forced by the ultra-Christian government of “Gilead” (read: Donald Trump’s America) to produce offspring for the infertile wives of highly placed mucky-mucks…by going through what Margaret Atwood’s novel and also the Hulu series call “The Ceremony”:

…[T]he household gathers together for a reading of the Bible and prayer, led by the patriarch of the house. During the Ceremony itself, everyone remains mostly clothed. It is designed to be as clinical and non-sensual as possible, as the purpose of the Ceremony is not sexual pleasure or intimacy, but the conceiving of children. The Wife and Handmaid must lie on their backs on the edge of a bed, with the Handmaid lying between the Wife’s legs, her head against her abdomen, and her arms raised above her head to hold hands with the Wife whilst the man involved has intercourse with the Handmaid. This is to symbolize that they are “of one flesh” and alluding to the Bibical story of Rachel, Jacob and their handmaid Billah, who bore children for the barren Rachel “upon [Rachel’s] knees”.

Since The Ceremony is supposed to be sort of like not being able to have an abortion, dressing up in Handmaid red plus a white bonnet is now de rigueur cosplay for woke women who want to protest anything resembling abortion restrictions, whether it’s a heartbeat bill or the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

The point of the Handmaid costumes is to demonstrate how scary it would be if we didn’t have abortion on demand through week 40.

But the Alabama protesters, who look like Auburn linebackers in rain ponchos, add a whole new dimension to the word “scary.” These ladies look as though they could not only crush the Wife’s pelvis into powder during The Ceremony but inflict serious damage on the poor patriarch of the house, who is, after all, just trying to have a good time. You don’t want to get on the wrong side of an Alabama Handmaid!

Now, some might blame Alabama’s new near-total abortion ban, just signed into law by the state’s (woman! traitor!) Republican Gov. Kay Ivey, who happened to be wearing a Handmaid-red jacket during the ceremony. Hulky laws call for hulky protestors, don’t they?

But I blame Alabama’s signature white barbecue sauce, which calls for an entire cup of mayonnaise, which is practically pure olive oil, slathered on those ribs. That’s a lot of calories, even for a Handmaid.

Posted by Charlotte Allen


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